CONSIDER: Perpetual reciprocity
What would happen if we chose to live in a way that constantly nurtures connection?
As the Covid-19 pandemic was just beginning here in New York State, one of the thought leaders I sought out to help make sense of it all was Anodea Judith. In an effort to support my local bookstore, I ordered her book The Global Heart Awakens. In many ways it felt like a history on how we had arrived at that very the moment, and a resource for how to move through the challenges of our time. On page 35, Judith establishes the various definitions for the word “love” as she uses it throughout the book. She says: “As an organizing force, I also use the word love as a principle of exchange, or perpetual reciprocity, that allows things to continue in relationship […].” She adds: “This can be seen in any mature ecosystem, where the exchanges between parts are optimized so that everything gives and receives in a kind of perpetual balance that maintains the whole. This kind of love is necessary for sustainability— for what has perpetual reciprocity can endure through time.” Reading these words together- “perpetual reciprocity”- gave language to a concept I have come back to over and over since I started actively doing my own “work”.
Growing up in my family love was present, but love was all too often conditional or transactional. Along the lines of do/say/feel this because I’m your elder or because I said so. And then as my siblings and I grew into adulthood it became more of ‘do this for me, and I’ll do that for you’, or ‘do this for me because remember I did that thing for you’. My two main issues with this way of being in relationship are: 1) it is conditional love, and conditional love is always finite and therefore unsustainable; and 2) it creates a closed loop, back-and-forth only, which denies the reality that we are universally connected and interdependent. As I’ve been doing my own work to unpack what I believe, how I act, and why, this has been a big area of unlearning and practicing a new way of being. As to the question of how to live a life practicing unconditional love that honors and is aware of our universal interdependence- perpetual reciprocity is an answer.
The way perpetual reciprocity works is this:
Vera asks to borrow my car, I lend it to her —> Vera uses the car to bring Pedro to a doctor’s appointment —> Pedro meets Albert, a young man, in the waiting room and helps him to untangle a person struggle just by having a casual conversation —> Albert sees his mother is stressed for time and takes their dog Buffy on a walk to help —> Buffy barks at a car speeding down the street and Samantha, hearing the bark, stops before walking in front of the car —> Samantha tends her flower garden —> the flowers in the garden nourish the soil, give nectar to the bees —> the bees make honey for Thelma, the beekeeper —> Thelma sells the honey at the farmer’s market to Omar —> Omar makes me dinner using honey from the market.
And then imagine every entity mentioned above- Vera, Buffy the dog, the bees, etc- is a hub, with spokes that move outward and keep reciprocity going in every direction. And the essence of each action is unconditional love. Everyone and everything giving freely.
Perpetual reciprocity is also a mechanism for every one to actually have their needs met. No one meets all of their needs alone (you are reading this, so you live in modern society and you are constantly engaging with others; for more read: See the People). And no one meets all of their needs from trying to be in relationship with only one other person. As humans we need a lot of other humans, as well all a lot of natural resources, to thrive. Authentic connection keeps us healthy.
So, how do we do this?
While perpetual reciprocity is ultimately about connection, to effectively practice the concept takes a little self-awareness.
First: start to notice ways you can give freely. Can you take out your neighbor’s trash when you take out your own? Can you drop off dinner to your grandmother once a month? Can you give your chatty co-worker just a minute of attention when they come by to talk? Start to notice the opportunities. And after a week or two of noticing, start trying to give freely. See what happens. See how it feels. Notice any shifts.
Second: get familiar with your own needs. My goodness when I am at my crankiest there is a little marquee inside my brain that flashes: UNMET NEEDS. Again, try to notice when needs arise, and, and!, notice the ways that you try to meet them. If you’re anything like me you meet some needs with healthy, effective choices, and other needs you basically lash out at- trying to get rid of them ASAP by any means necessary. Because needs are uncomfortable. Layer on some shame for having them in this first place. Then add a cherry of fear on top that those needs may never be met, that you are not even worthy of having them met. Yuck. But, let’s choose to stay with this discomfort. Let’s stay curious. So, notice your needs and the way you’re currently meeting them.
By tuning your awareness to ways you can give freely, plus knowing what your own needs are, you will start to notice when others are already freely offering to meet your needs you cannot meet alone. And the trick is to start accepting what is being given freely. Again, this is not easy. There is a lot of societal programming of distrust around receiving— always wondering ‘what’s the catch?’. Choosing perpetual reciprocity is a way to build and practice trust. Trust of others, but equally self-trust. And as with all practices, the more we do this, the better skilled we become. Trust deepens connection. And the deeper our connections, the stronger we (universally) are as a whole. How would the global pandemic unfolded differently if we were already living in a state of perpetual reciprocity?
What do you think, shall we give it a go?
I invite you to share in the comments:
What are ways you can give freely?
What needs do you need help meeting?
RESOURCES
The Global Heart Awakens by Anodea Judith
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
A friend wrote me back and shared another great actionable resource in the very same vein from Culture Study. Check it out: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/a-shortcut-for-caring-for-others